We have all been in that hideous situation: a friend is going through some bad shit and they need us and our fab advice. Naturally, we are 100% there for them: we hand out the tissues, give the best hugs and have a large supply of Ben and Jerry’s ready! (Unless you’re me and my friends: we have wine.)
Yet it doesn’t matter how much advice we give to those we care about, we still never take our own advice when it comes to it. We whinge and whine about how everything is horrible, nobody cares and continue on with our shitty lives instead of listening to our own words of wisdom.
So: what are the most popular pieces of advice we never take ourselves but dish out like Katie Price hands out wedding rings and bad baby names?
“Under no circumstances do you text your ex tonight and no, I do not care how drunk you get.”
Every lass has been heartbroken. Whether we’ve been cheated on, a relationship hasn’t worked out or we’ve been majorly friend zoned, we’ve all got emotional and cried over a bloke. Then we get drunk, our emotions are heightened and we just need them to know that they’ve hurt us or that we miss them or that we are completely and irrevocably in love with them. During a break-up we are adjusting to not having that one person around anymore and so we have to get used to not texting them. “I only want to say good night” or “I’m just telling him that I miss him” are NOT allowed: you get out there and you meet someone else. After all, they do say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It’s easy to control our friends when they’re sober and are all there in the head, but what about when they’ve had two bottles of echo falls or half a bottle of Smirnoff? You can’t do a damn thing in that case: I’ve been there and it’s difficult. I go mad, scream and shout and tell my friend to “move the fuck on” until I’m blue in the face but does she listen? Nope. Do I understand that this is how I make my friends feel when I’m pissed and adamant my ex deserves to know he’s missed and the best shag I’ve ever had? Do I heck.
Rationally, we feel that the advice we give our friends is the best most fantabulous wisdom they have ever had placed upon them but when they tell us the exact same thing we tell them to “stop talking out of their arses” and continue being a whining brat. We text our ex, have a shit night, cry into our jäger bomb and sterling fresh taste and then after a McDonalds we go home. When we wake up we instantly feel crap and cringe because we know what we’ve done the night before: we did the exact thing we tell our friends not to do and what’s the first thing we say to them? “I should have listened to you last night babe. I’m sorry!” Typical.
“He will only break your heart so stay away.”
I am yet to meet a female who actually listens to this advice. If you find one who has sense, high five her for me. We each as an individual know what we want and when it comes to a man, we are certain we are right in our judgement. No matter how much we warn our friends against getting in a relationship with the biggest player in town, they don’t listen. Then again neither do we. We go mental when our friends meet a tool and stay with him and it’s all because we know that her heart is going to end up in millions of pieces once he’s through with her.
Yet we do the exact same thing: we never listen to our friends when they warn us about someone but we feel the need to warn them by advising them to dump the absolute toe rag. It’s the same with the female species all over the world: we never practice what we preach. Ever.
“Everything will be okay in the end and if it isn’t, then it is not the end.”
This is quite possibly the best quote I have ever heard. A quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, it’s words speak volumes and mean a great deal. We go through a bad experience and think that everything is over, that things will not get better. We tell our friends that everything will be okay in the end and that there are worse things could happen to them. Yet when it comes to it, what do we do when things get crap? We cry, stamp our feet and declare “everything is over. What am I going to do?” They tell us “it’ll all be alright in the end” and in a frustrated tone we reply, “how the fuck do you know?”
This happens all the time with everyone going through something bad; we just never ever listen to our own advice. We stay adamant it’ll always be horrific and that nothing will ever be good again. All we have to do is tell ourselves that “everything will be okay eventually” but why would we do that, when we can make our lives hell and torment ourselves? Bright sparks, aren’t we!
“You cannot justify your actions by saying you were drunk; it is still wrong”
This is one piece of advice I always have to give my friends. Why? Because they’re raging alcoholics with a tendancy to make bad decisions whilst drunk. Whether it’s getting it on with a stranger or saying something horrible to a friend you have a particular hatred for that night, we all do dumb stuff after a few-too-many Vinos. I for one make many mistakes when drunk but do I do what I tell my friends to do and admit I was wrong? Do I fuck. I blame it on the booze. Always have and always will. It’s so much easier to say I bit someone because I was drunk and take no blame whatsoever than actually hold my hands up and say, “actually it was my fault. Yes I drank too much but I hadn’t eaten beforehand and I should have done. So I’m sorry for biting you and leaving a mark!” (yes, I did this and yes, she’s still friends with me – surprisingly.) But yeah. We give out to our friends for blaming their hideous actions on the booze but we hypocritically do the exact same thing. Always.
“If you want a hot body, put the cheeseburger down”
I don’t know about you but If someone said this to me I would be absolutely fuming. If I want to be a fat get and eat an alarming amount of cheeseburgers I will do. I aren’t going on holiday so I don’t need to make myself look good for a bikini and if I get lucky, just switch off the light. It’s really that simple, right? Yes it is. But I’m that horrible bitch I hate because I am THAT friend who tells you if you’re not hitting that bikini look. “Put the cake down, dear you almost resemble Michelle Macmanus” and I know it’s awful but we all want brutal honesty from our friends right? Yes, but only if it’s nice things that are said. I don’t want to be told not to eat fattening foods but by god I’ll tell my girls if they need to lose a few cheeseburgers here and there.
“let’s go for a couple of drinks after college: we’ll go home after two then you can do your essay!”
What utter bull shit this is. I have never just had two drinks. I go to a pub quiz and end up in Mojo’s at 2am dancing on tables. I go for ONE drink, end up buying two bottles of wine and countless bags of crisps. What spurred me to add this piece of advice to the list is quite simply the fact that this happened to myself and a friend last night. Me and Sarah went to Headingley with the intention of having two drinks. We ended up drinking fire eater and cokes and having a ball of a time.
It always happens. Once you’ve had one drink you just need to have another! “you are such a bad influence” Sarah said. I am a bad influence: it’s always my idea. I give out the best advice yet I never ever take that advice myself and have just one drink and go home and do my essays or have a cup of tea.
Let’s be honest, taking our own advice is like trying to swallow a paracetamol without water: hard to do and leaves a rank taste in your mouth. We like to think our advice is amazing but if someone gave me that advice I’d be very upset and tell whoever gives me the advice to sod off. We just don’t like to hear that someone else is right and we ourselves are wrong. Stubborn as shit us women!
The reason I decided to post this is because my best friend told me that I give the best advice but never take it. It got me thinking and I realised that literally all women do this and we can a relate to one another.
We all do go through the same shit day-in and day-out.
I hope you all enjoyed,
Comments would be lovely: it’d be nice to hear what people think.